Architecture Chatter
by xybolic
Summary: Art eroticism, gratuitous details, manipulative designs, Freudian theories, gendered spaces, architecture innuendos, and why Artemis is just like any other hormonal boy. A/H. Beta'd.


**EDIT: Beta'd. Thanks to The Grey Lady.;) Not much changes though; just a few simple rephrasing of awkward sentences, prepositions, etc. I might _possibly _write more of this.**

**Supposedly a chapter in _A Nib's Babble_, but it got too long. So it's now a one-shot.  
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**I do not claim that **_**everything **_**stated in here is a fact; I'm still a learning student. Most are just simple notions, some of which are opinions I may or may not agree with.**

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**Architecture Chatter**

Artemis Fowl was a savant, a polymath, excelling and specialising in different fields and utilising his abilities in both legal and illegal ventures. Aside from being a criminal fairytarian and billionaire, he was also a chess prodigy, psychologist, physicist, computer programmer, inventor, musician, writer, painter, and architect.

As an ally to the People and a close friend to some select fairies, Artemis's skills were beneficial to them. And who were the People to simply ignore and let those skills go to waste? That was why the Council would send Captain Holly Short aboveground every now and then for special assignments involving him. The elf and human had shown phenomenal chemistry when tied together, and besides the other officers flat out refused to sojourn in the Fowl Manor, regardless which side of morality Artemis aligned now, with some even threatening to resign if forced. Holly could only scoff at the amount of testosterone decrease in the LEP when it came to Fowl. And Butler.

Thus, Holly remained in the Fowl Manor to work with Haven's only non-fairy architect about the renovations to be done on their first project: Police Plaza. They were boning up in Artemis's study in order to finish the project before the set deadline. Haven was undergoing another major revamp, this time assailing on age-old buildings that scattered the city, and the Council offered ingots to acquire Artemis Fowl's services.

Artemis worked in accordance to Holly's demands; it was her assignment to infuse the 'fairy' into the design since the Council figured that no matter how gifted and brilliant the Mud Man was, he was just that—a Mud Man. After innumerable arguments about the placement of the recycling lounge and the maxim that it was sickening for a fairy to discharge excrements in the same building where they ate and worked, the pair was now in the final stage of the project.

Holly sat cross-legged on the carpeted floor with a tablet where she was constructing their digital presentation, an auxiliary job she easily could do as to not potentially damage the main and crucial portions of the design, while Artemis busied himself with a rectangular board, doing a watercolour render of the Police Plaza's new look.

'Edifice Complex,' murmured Artemis absently, more to himself than to his only companion in the room. He used a thin brush to trace a narrow shadow at the left side of the facade. He dipped it on the black pigment and water mixture in the palette on his drafting table and then, after a few seconds of letting the tenuous layer dry, added another stroke on the same spot.

'I'm done,' announced Holly, proud of herself, and looked up at Artemis, who barely moved to acknowledge her.

Holly stood up, stretched her arms and back, and walked over to the long, messy working table full of unfurled drawing plans, pens and pencils, triangles and rulers, and other bizarre-looking drafting tools. At the far end where a drafting table stood, the ambidextrous architect bent over a drawing board and sat very still with only his hands moving, carefully threading each necessary spaces and lines with different colours.

Holly watched him, transfixed.

Her friend was different now, a Mud _Man_, she reminded herself; she had always been calling him a boy. He'd grown up a great deal, and his body had developed—still thin, but not the previous gauntness that had gone so well with his criminal personality. His face had lost what little roundness it had and shaped into that of an adult's; his keen eyes, straight nose, thin lips, high cheekbones, broad forehead, and pointed chin had matured. He wasn't exactly the effigy of a prince charming, but he had a noble-looking visage that exuded superiority, commanding and intimidating, an image that had become, for Holly, a source of comfort and assurance, of friendship she never expected from a human, much less from someone who had kidnapped her.

Artemis Fowl was, from this day onwards, a man, and she only _fully _realised it now. In retrospect, she knew it, but she hadn't been actually aware that he was not anymore the boy (physically, at least) that she'd had adventurous misfortunes with. He resembled his tracksuit-wearing self around ten years ago in their little time jaunt to the past for a lemur chase. Holly remembered... she bit her lower lip.

'Like what you see?' said Artemis all of a sudden in a very smug tone. Holly could've sworn he was smirking. He replaced his brush on the dispenser and picked a wide fan brush before looking up to let the elf confirm her suspicions. Their eyes met, and she saw that there was a mischievous glint in his.

'No,' snapped Holly, trying to cover up her embarrassment at being caught, which was made difficult by her reddening cheeks.

'You don't like my rendering?' His brow creased, and his voice was innocently confused. It would've been convincing if Holly hadn't known that he was never confused or innocent. 'Strange, most art critics are astounded by my work. Perhaps you should take a closer look?'

'Perhaps,' she replied a tad stiffly.

Holly sent a suspicious glare on his direction. Was he planning on playing his little mind games on her? He seriously needed a new hobby. Taking a deep breath, she marched over to him. She was going to give him the tablet containing the digital presentation for him to finalise anyway. She just hoped that her face had returned to its normal colour.

The stool beside Artemis supported the miniature scale model of the Police Plaza, so Holly had to move it onto a vacant space on the working table before clambering up with slight difficulty and sitting down on it with the tablet gingerly balanced on her lap.

On the drafting table was the board Artemis was currently working on. His drawing and watercolour painting skills were indeed impressive. Sometimes, from being around him too much, Holly had become accustomed to viewing him simply as a friend; she would momentarily forget that her friend was more than a normal human and was astonishingly skilled in many fields, so whenever she was exposed to one of his abilities, she would always be unsuspectingly amazed in full force.

The work was half-finished, but Holly could almost see that the final product would be a masterpiece. On the portions that were done, the colours blended perfectly with no wandering strokes visible—what should be flat was flat and what should have texture had texture. The placing of shadows was realistic, or as realistic as it could get with watercolour. Through the huge glass windows, Holly could see the vaguely detailed interior. It was incredible.

To answer Artemis's inquiring look, Holly gave a nod of approval; she need not inflate his ego with actual words of revering admiration. All the same, she saw his lips tugging into a smile as he continued his painting.

'I wonder, Artemis,' said Holly after a minute of watching his proceedings, 'academic reasons aside, what is it with architecture that draws you? I mean, in psychology—and don't dare you deny it—you enjoy playing and messing with people's minds. In architecture, what kind of childish—'

'Childish?' asked Artemis in an amused tone without looking up.

'Yes, childish. And immature.' Holly grinned even if he couldn't see her. 'What kind of satisfaction do you get from it?'

Artemis smiled. Holly knew him far better than anyone else. 'I will be honest then,' he said, knowing that whatever negative image his confession might project, Holly had seen worse of him. 'You see, architecture is consummated... by the systematic planning of and giving interpretation to vacuous Euclidian space to be adapted for habitation. It transcends an area that is geometrically set and physically defined into a site for living, a home, where cultural processes, gender transactions, and modus of sexual desires are continually enacted.'

Holly rolled her eyes and sighed exasperatedly. For all his genius, he couldn't grasp the fact that not everyone was interested in his lectures. That or he didn't care. Knowing him, probably the latter.

She leaned back with her hands gripping the back edge of her seat. 'I'm losing interest in every word, Arty. I ask a simple question, you give me a long-winded answer.'

'Simply put,' said Artemis, 'when I engage in architecture, I deal with spaces and how the users inhabit it; as an architect, I find it gratifying that I can manipulate _any_ user through architecture.'

'Oh, wow. I'm more surprised that that is actually possible than the reason itself.'

Artemis ignored her. 'Space structures bodily practice and sets conditions in defining habitus, which I can establish at will.' He straightened on his stool and laid his brush aside for a while. He then spoke again, occasionally glancing at Holly. 'I can build a house to stir suspicion and doubt, for the household to mistrust each other, by adding divisions and partitions. I can focalise on social hierarchies in a mall by the positioning of shops patronised by each social class. Also, I can create a space so erotic and titillating it can arouse any user within it, intensifying the feeling and stimulations, adding to the sexual urges.' He craned his neck to look at her, his eyes gleaming. 'I can show you...'

_'What_?' said Holly incredulously.

'... the design.'

Artemis finished his talk with a chuckle. Holly sighed and decided to stop skirting the subject. They were both adults now, albeit one barely out of the last stage of puberty.

She squinted up at him and said, 'Yeah, right. Artemis, I never thought that you could be so perverse.'

'Come, Holly, "all art is erotic,"' he said, not denying the accusation.

'That's not related—'

'Says Adolph Loos,' Artemis interrupted her. 'He also said that the first ornament is a cross, which was of erotic origin; the horizontal line is a reclining woman, and the vertical line is the man penetrating her.' He knew that the adage was meant to be interpreted differently, but that did not mean that he couldn't twist it for his own use.

Holly was not the type of fairy to evade such a topic, and she knew that if it was about art, like it was now, she would not and should not feel abashed. But it was not the topic itself that was making her uneasy; it was the fact that not a decade ago, she had kissed this man in front of his ten-year-old self. _She had kissed him. _For some reason, this disturbed her. She felt a bit of regret accepting this special assignment in exchange for a bonus pay. Her thoughts were wandering in directions she considered haphazardly risqué, so in an attempt to distract them, she reached out for one of the nearby sheets of drawing plans. When Artemis perceived that Holly had no intention of speaking up, he picked up his brush again, grinning inwardly.

Holly spread the plan at eye level. She recognised the drawings as elevations; spending time helping out an architect trained her eyes, especially when that architect was frequently in an uncharacteristically wild designing frenzy and had no time for trivial activities such as finding reference drawings all on his own underneath the tools and papers piled helter-skelter. Artemis was usually methodical, but when he was in one of those frenzies, he tended to be slightly like normal people: frantically messy and disorganised.

'Why didn't you add more design here?' asked Holly, lowering the paper to her lap and pointing at the cross-sectional elevation. 'Maybe more ornaments?'

Artemis did not even bother to see what she was talking about. 'No,' he said curtly. 'Adding is needless and unnecessary.'

'Is that a problem? It would be an impressive look.'

Artemis lowered his brushed once again, something he did when he was about to deliver one of his long-winded lectures, and rubbed his temple. Holly was not an architect, so he must be patient. 'Gratuitous details, extraneous additions of frivolity, detract from the aesthetic of the space,' he said, turning his stool to gaze at her with great seriousness. 'Excessive ornamentation is simply there to be visually pleasing—an eye-candy, so to speak—but has no intellectual and conceptual value. A design without a concept is like a beautiful woman without a brain. No matter how "pretty" a design is, if it does not impart any thought and existential meaning, then it does not connect with the user; therefore, it is without emotional substrate and will either eventually annoy or bore the people who are using the space.

'Less is more and more is less—like how a woman who dresses herself excessively with unnecessary jewellery and clothing tends to sore the eyes of onlookers, while a woman who _dresses_ with _less _and necessary clothing seems to look more pleasing.' He paused, then smiled and glanced up at the ceiling. 'So, Holly, less is _certainly _more,' he said silkily.

Holly coughed in her hand, looking away, and shook her head slightly as though trying to clear her thoughts. She suddenly felt uncomfortable and fidgeted on her seat, putting one leg over the other. Artemis, on the other hand, was as placid as ever. Only his hands seemed not; they were expertly mixing a light shade of blue in one recess on the palette.

'So,' she said casually, trying to think of something that would make sense, 'th-there is a meaning—as you say, concept—to every design?'

'No. What I meant is that there _should_ be one.' He tested out a flat wash with his mixture on one spare board and grimaced, unsatisfied at the colour value. 'Many amateur artists make the mistake of focusing too much on unnecessary visual attractions.'

'Hmmm...' said Holly, examining the plan. 'So what is the concept of this design you have for the Police Plaza? Like—I dunno—why a tall building?'

'The erections of phallic structures thrusting skyward, penetrating the heavens... ' said Artemis, baring his teeth.

_Nice choice of words_, thought Holly, feeling a chill at the eeriness of his grin.

'Nothing could be a clearer symbol of power, which is the image the Council wanted for the LEP. They want to ingrain that concept into the People's minds. It is Edifice Complex; they want a powerful building to symbolise their might over Haven. Phallic... power. Just like how other skyscrapers and towers, whose roles are to embody power, prestige, and force, are phallic in structure.'

Holly wrinkled his nose in disgust. 'That is so _wrong_,' she spat.

'Pardon?'

'The phallus being a symbol of power,' she clarified. 'It's a notion that stemmed from masculine hegemony. It's rubbish.'

Artemis's eyebrows shot up in interest. Of course Holly would think it to be insubstantial drivel. She was one of the women, fairy and human, who had endured and suffered under the 'masculine hegemony' in society.

'Go on,' he said.

'I mean, come on,' said Holly, flailing a hand around impatiently as though it would help her make a point. 'Our society is male-dominated, aboveground and under, though yours seemed to be progressing further. But still, this world, this space, favours the exclusion, suppression, and oppression of females, and I know that it's true. You know it is. This 'phallus is power' ideology is fallacy.'

'I agree with you on some points,' said Artemis, touching his chin briefly with an index finger, 'but you should realise that it is not the space itself that determines the power, but the politics of spatial usage between the two genders, which the male had won.' He met Holly's narrowed eyes. 'The reason there are more masculine buildings is because it is sanctioned that man dominates space in the city and that woman is to be confined at home. And back then, it was true,' he added, noticing the formation of a peeved expression on Holly's face.

Holly crossed her arms on her chest and glared at nothing in particular. 'That's it, isn't it?' she hissed. 'It's because of the predetermined stereotypical gender roles that give dominance to one gender over the other. Is there even a proof that men should be the one out there working while women stay at home? There isn't! What is society's basis anyway?'

'If we are to say that the buildings in the city are an effigy of the phallus while home is an imitation of the womb—'

'_Just_ because _you_ have a dick and _I_ have a vulva?' asked Holly almost hysterically, raising her hands just above her head with an annoyed flick. She was getting carried away by the conversation. 'Seriously, that is so messed up.'

Artemis suppressed a smile; he knew Holly would interpret it as though he was making fun of her if he did not. He only enjoyed hearing outbursts and seeing her riled. The sight of her angry elicited a deep warm feeling in his gut, a fact that he would not admit to anyone. He cleared his throat.

'I think it is because a woman is believed to have an interior world in her body, which is the womb,' he replied, 'and that she feels obliged to replicate this in the real world. Man, on the other hand, does not have that world; he has a penis, an appendage that sticks out into space. Thus, women were to engage in protection, which is at home, and men were to aspire for projectio—'

'Wait,' interrupted Holly, her voice increasing in magnitude, 'so you're telling me that simply because of this utter _bullshit _our role as a man and woman is decided? This is crap.' Her nose flared angrily. _'No_, just no. _I_ think this is a product of millennia of oppression brought about by _dick-obsessed_ men who accuse us women of so-called _penis envy._ Let me tell you—' She brought up her index finger between her and Artemis to make a point. '—there is _nothing_—NOTHING—enviable in the faces of the LEP officers I've trained with whenever I kick them in the balls.'

Artemis winced mentally. Holly had punched him numerous times in the past, and the pain he had experienced was more than enough to last him a lifetime. A kick in the groin was just unimaginable. In a moment of kindness, Artemis felt pity for those officers, along with their unfortunate future heirs, who had been stupid enough to cross buzz batons with this fiery-tempered elf.

'That's why they say that every building in the city is phallic,' she continued. 'Is that how you see it then?'

'I assure you, I don't, and I also do not think that anything erected is phallic. It's too Freudian, in my opinion. Let's take this new Police Plaza for instance.' Artemis took the drawing plan from Holly's lap (along with the tablet, in case another of her outbursts caused it to fly) and spread it on the table, side by side with the watercolour-rendered illustration. 'Why did I decide it to be designed as such? Its grand stature is hardly a function. It is to maximise the use of floor space with respect to land use footprint. It is more of a utilitarian purpose than anything else. Form follows function—how is that even remotely phallic?'

Holly looked satisfied that she and Artemis were agreeing. She grinned. 'However, if your design is not phallic, then you contradict yourself when you've said that all art is erotic.'

_Ah, there comes my twisted articulation of Loos's words. _Artemis placed both arms in line with the edge of the table, perching his upper body's weight on them. At the corner of his eye, he focused on Holly.

'Eroticism is dependent on the surrounding factors,' he said. 'Is a phallus erotic? Possibly. But if you put it in a scientific context, would it still be able to arouse libido?'

Holly actually snickered. 'Heh, you'll be surprised to know that there exists a fairy who can be aroused by small pot of hibiscus and a chapter about pollination from a botany textbook.'

Artemis perked up. This piqued his curiosity. If he knew this fairy... oh, the advantages... 'Really? Do I know this fairy? If I may ask, who is it?'

The elf placed a fist on her mouth. 'Kelp. Grub Kelp. He is excited by the scientific process of pollination.' She giggled. 'Plant _porn_...'

Grub Kelp. Commander Trouble Kelp's brother. Noted. Artemis's mind began to propel in all directions on its own accord, scheming...

'Then maybe it can happen,' he conceded. 'But my point stands. The heightened arousal stimulated by the study of the plant pollination is caused by his way of thinking. It is one of the surrounding factors. This conversation, however, is immaterial. By saying 'all art is erotic,' it is not to be understood as is. I believe it in such a way that art should be sensuous, that it could stir an aesthetic emotion inside you that can be likened to an erotic experience. As Matisse said, it is finding oneself in an orgy of emotion before the beloved object; although, it can also be taken literally.' He sat up again to get a better view of Holly. 'I _may_ have designed phallic structures as well. Or sensual architecture similar to The Turning Torso skyscraper by Calatrava in Sweden.'

Holly cocked her head to one side, an eyebrow raised, half-disbelieving, half-amused. 'Really.' Her face cracked into a grin. 'So you're just the same as those perverted boys who draw dicks in their notebooks, only you do it with architecture and build it somewhere for everyone to see.' Snorting, she shook her head. 'I don't really know which is worse.'

'Worse? Architecture is _better_.' Artemis smiled his vampire smile, sending shivers down Holly's spine and making her ears tingle. He leaned in closer until their noses were only an inch apart, so close she could smell his every scent, and whispered, 'After all, architects do it _best_ on drafting tables, which I can surely prove. We are very skilled with our hands, you know.'

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**This is what I learned from my awesome professor.**

**Meh, not my style of storytelling, definitely. Too much dialogues limit my narration for some reason. Also I'm not too comfortable writing some of the words and I'm not too experienced with sexual tension (if you haven't noticed that there is... well, I tried), in writing or otherwise.**

**Please review. Constructive criticisms are welcome.**

**Plant porn reference: Read my **_**A Nib's Babble**_**'s 2nd chapter.**

**Alternative continuation: _A Nib's Babble_'s 22nd chapter. Possible, actual multi-chaptered continuation is still in the process.  
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